How to be confident, speak up and be assertive (when you’re not) – 11 scientific strategies to implement straight away

You put in the long hours, you’ve done the heavy lifting, jumped in to cover the gaps that others left to make the project a success and instead of you getting recognised, someone else does– maybe even someone less talented or less qualified gets the credit for it.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s experienced this situation and the feeling of disappointment mixed with anger, sadness and resentfulness. 

Speaking up isn’t something that’s natural to me and it sure has had a negative impact more than just once on my career. It was due to a mix of; a lack of confidence, past experiences, limiting beliefs and sometimes also the tendency to be a perfectionist 

Fortunately, there are a few simple tricks you can use straight away to give others the impression you’re in control. This is exactly what today’s episode is all about! Listen in for 11 scientifically proven strategies to make you feel more confident, also when you’re not. 

The inspiration for today’s episode came from a recent event that I attended – it was the 2nd in person event I went to in the last 12 month. It was on International Women’s Day and the format was a networking session plus a panel discussion. 

As you can imagine, the audience was mainly female and one question that one of the participants raised was:

‘How can I be more confident when I’m not only the youngest by far but also the only female executive amongst mainly male colleagues and really feeling out of my depth?’

This is such a great question because I think we can take this a step further. Whilst in this specific example it was around being not only a minority but also a lot younger and less experienced, it can be applied to any career situation because this is what you face when you go for promotions and more senior roles. 

At some stage, you will be the least experienced, most junior and lowest ranking person in the room because this is where it all starts and also what you need to do to get you ahead.

Since today’s episode is a wrap up of our monthly topic of assertive communication in the Future of Work Campus, I thought it the perfect way to finish:

How to be more confident when you don’t feel like it.

Well- I may sound like a broken record because you’ve heard me saying many times before (and I’ll keep saying it until the cows come home) that as much as people buy into your competence, they also (if not even more so) buy into your confidence. 

Because- let’s face it: if you don’t come across as certain in the way you approach a challenge or tackle a project, how would anyone else would have the confidence in you that you can do it?

Unfortunately – not being able to show up in a convincing way is often what keeps people stuck where they are and I know you – you’re not accepting mediocre and average results. You don’t want to stand still. You are driven and want to progress which is why – working on your confidence needs to be a priority if you are serious with leveling up not just your career, but also your happiness.

But easier said than done as we know – we have to face new situations more frequently and can’t rely on past experiences to master the situation. 

Same goes when you want to progress in your career – you need to showcase your abilities before you have the official title and that requires first and foremost courage which is easier to get together when you have at least some level of confidence.

Now lets dig in to the 11 strategies can you do straight away to be more confident

1.)  Powerful yet comfortable clothes

What you wear can have a direct effect on our sense of confidence, so ideally you choose clothes you feel comfortable but also powerful in.

One of the panel speakers at the event, Jillian Whiting, former TV host mentioned that she always wears power jackets – it’s a signal for her that it’s ‘game on’ and it also makes her feel protected. She makes sure that what she wears isn’t too big or too small to avoid constant fidgeting. 

Todd Herman also talks about the super ego principle that sometimes an accessory like glasses or a certain outfit makes us feel like our superhero and we act in the way we are inspired by them. When I was still in corporate and mainly in male dominated environments and also only led mainly male teams, I often wore glasses because they gave me a different feeling of showing up.

Whatever it is – try to experiment and find what works for you.

2.)  Preparation and Follow Through

It is a great Segway to the tip Leanne Webber, another panellist at the event who was also one of our guest speakers last year mentioned: find what works for you. Leanne is also a naturally shy person and networking gave her anxiety attacks. So she prepared a lot before she went to an event, simply by having questions ready she could ask to make the first interaction easier but also had her husband to be her accountability partner to drop her off at events when she wanted to turn around which I think can be such a game changer when you can’t let get off the hook. 

3.)  Find out what works for you: 

Leanne also said that calming down prior to an event made her more anxious so instead she listens to heavy metal music to pump her up. You get the gist already- there is no right or wrong and you need to give it all a go to see what works for you and what doesn’t. 

So maybe you feel more in control when you did some breathing exercises prior to the event. 

Maybe you’re the opposite and need to let go off steam by rocking to music. One of my clients always shadow boxed when he got anxious as it’s also a release of energy.

4.)  Power poses and body language

Moving on, tip number 4 is another physical change to increase your confidence and that is: your pose.

Our body language regulates how we think and feel about ourselves. So by making a power move and stepping into a power pose like a Superman stance with deep breathing—can also trick your mind into believing you’re confident so you arrive bold and assured.

Body language makes such a massive difference in our communication which is also supported by studies that revealed that about 55% of our communication is our body language.

Think of times you were fidgeting around with your hands when you were nervous or tapped with your foot when you were awaiting news. People can sense that also when you say you’re calm as a cucumber.

5.)  Voice control

Of course voice itself is important, too. One of my fav voice coaches is Sally Prosser who was also a guest on one of our panel events in 2020. She shared tips on how your breathing impacts your speed and tonality and that we need to imagine we put our Victoria Secret’s Angle’s wings on to stand tall and be calm and clear with our voice. And also lose the questioning tone at the end of a sentence as this makes you sound questioning yourself, like ‘Hey, my name is Petra?’ so rather- go down at the end of your sentence to make it sound ‘Hey- I’m Petra’.

6.)  Cut filler words

Staying with voice for a second, let’s talk about the actual words to use and which once to avoid. I banner the words ‘just and ‘I think at least’ because that diminishes already what you say and who you are. For example – the thing that I always drilled into my team when they called someone is to lose the ‘just’ in the ‘hey so and so , it’s just me / [name] because that already makes you inferior. So instead- always say” [hey there, it’s Petra – I’m calling you because] – see? No ‘just’ anywhere.

7.)  Connecting past emotions to current situation 

Another great tip how to be more confident is to think about situations or events when you felt on top of the world. Simply reliving this moment and feeling the emotion can kickstart the feeling of confidence. So think about a moment where you just felt like nothing can harm you. What happened? What did you do? Who were you with? How can you replicate this situation?

8.)  Meaningful work & happiness in your job: 

I’m clearly a big advocate of creating a career that you’d pursue even if you wouldn’t get paid for it because this is when you know that you’re in the right place and everything just feels easy. But it also impacts your confidence because when you feel happy and clear about what you do, your role is meaningful to you and you are aligned with a bigger mission, it makes you more motivated, energised and with that, seen as more confident 

9.)   Powerful Self-Talk:

Probably the simplest and often most under rated if not completely forgotten way to be more confident is to remember that you’re your own and best cheerleader and words we use are powerful- not just to communicate with others but also with ourselves. So having a bit of a pep talk prior to a meeting or event that you’re feeling nervous about can lift you up. Simply try saying: ‘I deserve being here’ or ‘I’m confident and at ease’ can trigger how we feel. 

10.)  One tip that I learnt too late was to listen way more than you speak. 

I talk a lot as it is but when I’m nervous, it’s another level. I didn’t realise that this is often a mask for insecurity. It still sometimes happens that I rush and keep talking to fill silence (And later I often couldn't even remember what I said.) Just me? I don’t think so – well I hope so anyway!

Truly confident people are quiet and unassuming. They already know what they think; they want to know what you think.

So the best tips here is to ask more questions, stay curious and give other people the stage rather than trying to be the star. This takes pressure off you and with that, gives you more ease.

11.) 5 seconds rule

Time can play a massive role in how we act (or not act) and in the end, confidence comes from results and results come from taking action. How often though are we talking ourselves out or wait too long to actually take the step? 

Mel Robbins talks about the 5 seconds rule that is simply making a physical move when you have an instinct to act on within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it. So when you feel yourself hesitate before doing something that you know you should do, count 5-4-3-2-1-GO and move towards action.”

And this is a wrap, just one more time – the 11 strategies you can take straight away to feel more confident also when you’re not are:

1.)   Powerful whilst comfortable clothes

2.)   Preparation and accountability to see it through

3.)   Find out works for you: Music to pump yourself up vs breathing to calm you down

4.)   Power posing and mindful body language

5.)   Voice control

6.)   Connecting past emotions to current situations

7.)   Meaningful work

8.)   Cut filler words like ‘just’ or ‘I think at least’

9.)   Powerful self talk

10.)Listen more than you speak and ask questions

       11.)9-seconds rule